An Indecisive Ending
by girl-wheelchair
Summary: A drabble reflecting upon Lucas' love for both Peyton and Brooke. Read and review.


**A/N: I've been sick all week and decided to kill time by re-watching some of my OTH DVDs and listening to '9 Crimes' on repeat. Thus, this drabble was born.**

**I am a Brucas fan, but I attempted to be as impartial as possible. Also, keep in mind that while this isn't from Lucas' POV per say, it only explores his feelings in the Leyton and Brucas relationships.**

* * *

He loves Peyton.

He loves Brooke.

He loves Peyton. They are the same. She understands him in a way only she ever has. In those desperate moments where he finally decides to unburden himself and share everything with someone, the first person that comes to mind is Peyton. He never worries about misconceptions or fallacies, because everything he feels, she feels too. _"I want all the same things you want. And I want them with you." _After the shooting, when he sought out the darkened library, a safe haven from the blaring music and distinct scent of alcohol, it was Peyton who he found there, staring into nothing, and he wondered briefly if there ever was, or ever would be, a time when they hadn't been completely in sync. The conversation naturally leads to the recent losses – both Ellie and Keith – and he is again amazed that she is so unwavering in her knowledge of what is he is thinking. _"I know how you are. I'm the same way."_ Their sameness comforts him, because he knows that whatever happens, he is not alone in it.

He loves Brooke. They are different. Her presence forces him to be happy, and he supposes that being forced to be happy is better than allowing himself to be miserable. She was the first to invite him into a world he and Haley eventually became a part of, and he always believes he has her to thank for the way his life has played out. She seemed dangerous at first, her very person associated with adrenaline and recklessness in his mind, but he uncovers a softer side that he seems to bring out – a capacity for love that both terrifies and calms him. _"I never gave a rat's ass before." _If he is honest with himself he will admit that being with her allowed him to explore a more spontaneous part of his own personality, and it is only when he has discovered both polar opposites that he can find himself in the happy middle. _"All work and no Brooke make Luke a boring boy."_ It is nice to escape himself sometimes, and she lets him do it.

He loves Peyton. He gets to save her. It feeds what Haley refers to as his 'hero-complex'. Though he claims it is ridiculous, a small part of him knows there is some truth to this notion. _"Let me hold you for another couple minutes. That's what's gonna fix me." _Perhaps he read too many Sherlock Holmes novels as a child, but for whatever reason, he feels a strong desire to rescue her. Peyton has too much pain in her life already; he wants to lessen it, if he can. _"You're always saving me."_ _"Someone's got to." _The day of the shooting, as he cares for her wounded leg; the spring of senior year, as he pushes Ian out the window; travelling with her to visit Ellie – all of these times he experiences a fulfillment like no other. She needs him, and he needs to be needed. After all, isn't that what love is, the all-encompassing need for another? He thinks so.

He loves Brooke. She doesn't need him to save her. While he deals with all that comes with being Lucas Scott, Brooke is strong enough for the both of them. _"It means a lot to me to know you're there. It means everything." _He has watched her grow throughout the time they've known each other, and it is clear that she is no longer the 17-year-old girl who defined herself by the standards of boys. She can depend on herself, and he can depend on her too. _"Imagine a future point in your life where all your dreams come true… Who's standing next to you?" "Brooke." _His answer is immediate; as if he hadn't had to think about it – as if it is the answer he will give for the rest of his life. In truth, it is not only that he wants Brooke there – though he does, desperately – it is that he knows, without question, she _will _be there. Baring either of them dying before that moment comes, he cannot picture it without Brooke standing beside him, ecstatic, her happiness and pride contagious. She will be there; he is sure. _"You think I was gonna miss a chance to spend a night on the town with a soon-to-be bestselling author?"_ She is his constant, without which he would have no point to return to. Despite this, there is something rewarding about the fact that, though she doesn't need him to save her, she still wants him to save her. _"Sometimes I just wish you could rescue me."_

He loves Peyton. She's just… Peyton. She listens to the Foo Fighters. She paints 'HJ + NS' on her closet door with nail polish. She introduces him to her mother's grave, or whatever is left of Anna Sawyer in the universe. She wants to draw something that means something to someone. She drives all the way to River City to show Ellie the 'Friends With Benefits' CD. She finds Jake and Jenny a way out of town even though it breaks her heart. She bakes him chocolate chip cookies just so he can see they taste better when you're in love. She's trusting enough to invite Derek into her life, and enough of a pessimist to refuse Ellie. When they first meet, she insists he doesn't know her, but they both know it's not true.

He loves Brooke. She's just… Brooke. She tai chi's his room. She tricks him into dressing as Tommy Lee. She calls him 'boyfriend' and it feels good to hear her say it. She decrees that the apartment will serve as their 'Post-Game Party Pad'. She befriends Mouth and introduces him to the concept of actual revenge with the three 'P's: Payback, Pain, and Pie. After Erika's negative campaigning during the Student Council elections, she admits to the truth with pride over who she is, not shame. She's all rage and dramatics as she storms out of the apartment after their fight over Letter #3, but as he walks with her down the frosted streets in the dim twilight and flicker of street lamps, she seems as fragile as a snowflake.

He loves Peyton.

He loves Brooke.

He's really starting to hate himself.


End file.
